How to make an @ss of yourself, old guy style

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm getting old. I am worried that I am going to start to, hell, that I already do, look like that creepy balding older guy hanging out at rock shows with all the young hip kids. And I don't mean Eddie Vedder or Nick Harcourt, both of which I have seen hanging out as the resident old guy at a rock shows - though I can't say either way on the state of their bald spots (or lack thereof).

In light of this, I need some advice on what to do about it (or what not to do) without bumping up the creep factor. I am a black t-shirt and non-jeans kind of guy, but I don't think of myself as the waterskiing dad of teenagers type who wears my casual garb as though I am trying to be cool for the kids. I also don't seem to fit the button down shirt mold too well, and certainly not the golf shirt thing. Although I've been thinking about playing golf again. But that I think is mostly because the guys in Green Day do it. And they are old, but in Rock years, which I can't honestly say that I have in common (although I do have the perpetual ringing in my ears from amplifiers and out-of-control drummers that we surely must share).

I have decided that I need to start doing some things that will make me feel what I'm going to call, "edgy," like when I accidentally set off an entire bag of illegal fireworks inside a 100-year old historical landmark-ish dry barn (and I stress, ACCIDENTALLY), or when I ran inebriated down the top of a wall that lined the 3 story stair drop after a Frank Black and the Catholics show, and in my drunken logic picked up an empty Trident Cool Ice package on the sidewalk as, uh, "proof" (what?). You know what I mean; slightly unpredictable or stupid (although I am SOOOO predictable these days what with a pre-school schedule, a work schedule complete with corporate meetings every week, and swallowing handfuls of Prilosec OTC every morning with toast) but not so out there that you ruin your children's future, or get arrested.

So here's my first stab at a list. This, by the way, is an open call to readers. If you find it interesting, please, leave a comment. I need suggestions. Because that in itself, is soooo edgy.

1. Get arrested. Try to bribe someone, even if its just the janitor for some extra paper towels. Maybe give him the stock picture from a picture frame and ask him to find her, wherever she is - she has the key to this whole trumped up charge thing.


2. Pretend I want a new car, go to the dealership, and wreck it on purpose IN THE LOT during the test drive by pretending to have a seizure. The wreck should do no harm to me or anyone else, but it should make the local paper. And yes, I know, someone's gonna have to pay for that.


3. Buy a skateboard again, and learn to do crazy ollie kickflip to hand rail tricks like I see on YouTube. Yeah, as if my fat ass could leap the 2 1/2 feet in any direction on wheels to hit a hand rail.
   


4. Burn a flag that has red, white and blue in it. But not an American flag so much; just one that might make people think that's what it is.


5. Try to get kicked out of something sporty by using profanity or throwing things. A basketball game is good; a baseball game is a prime opportunity; a hockey game is nearly impossible, which makes it God-like. Of course, the fact that I just said, "sporty," pretty much earmarks me for not so sporty.
   


6. Stare at the sun for a really long time. And then see if it looks like you are watching Cops when you look at the blurred, burnished out faces of everyone. Maybe that is better than being arrested.


7. Get dressed up in your old Robert Smith "Emo" outfit and scare the kids in any suburban semi-privileged mall. Get a nose piercing done, some fake tattoos, and a lot more ripped and zippery black clothes, and maybe some dark eye liner, and then get a slightly too small t-shirt made that says, "I'm you, moody kid, 20 years from now. Suck it up."


8. One of my favorites: Drink a lot at a Red Robin or Applebees-like suburban food stop and pretend its a game to shoot my wine (it must be wine - this is a legitimate game if it is beer) out of a straw into the, "Bottomless" fry basket. That one is loads of monkey thrills, and may help me get number 5, if sports are on the TV.


9. Start a vegan flight club. Since I will only be pretending to be a vegan, I will always win.


10. Write a really lame, self-deprecating blog entry about getting old, and then beg people to comment with their suggestions. And then make the last item in the list about that.

Unfortunately, it is my belief that just about anything I do that isn't age-appropriate will fail on the, "Gawd that guy needs some help" side. Dying hair for example: Bad, Bad, Bad. Looks stupid on middle-age-ish men, especially when it has multiple colors. Mohawks=bad. Especially because if you try it and you have a baldspot, it looks like Pacman took a bite out of crime - the crime of you trying too hard. And then there's wearing stuff when you can't pull the look off. And believe me, if you have to ask, you can't. Maybe that should be the rule then - if you have to ask, the answer is always, "Yeah, NO. Don't do that - playing lasertag in your mid-30's is a way creepier than you are thinking it is."